Because Nobody's Here, I'll Say What I Think

I don't know if you realize this or not, but Facebook has recently started putting up status' from last year and the year before. Now, I'm not a fan of dwelling on the past, mainly because up until a few months ago, my past wouldn't let me go. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't let my past go. Caught in between how things were and how I remembered things; between how it is and how I want it to be.

But, there's something that happened last year. Not at this time specifically, but something that would be happening in the near future.

I'd lose one of my best friends.

Due to my stupidity, I'd lose a very close friend. One I confided in, admired, frequently visited and texted pretty much non-stop. Thanks to my short-sightedness, pride, ignorance, and all around jerk-ness (with a little help from someone else that I wronged) she left. I mean, we weren't together, but she left.

Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with that me either.

I still wouldn't want to be friends with me. At least, not as close of friends as we were... that leaves too much room for pain. I wish I could say I've changed since then. In essence... I have. I've since joined the military and, despite swearing up and down that it wouldn't change me, have changed.

Some for the better, yes. I'm more organized. I'm more driven. I set clear-cut goals and achieve them. I call for backup before I'm in a tight spot and desperately need the back up.

Some... for the not-so-better. My patience for bull crap has left completely (partially why I'm reflecting on such subjects.) My vocabulary has taken a turn for the not-so-clean. I have to actively filter what I say based on who I'm around. Not something to be proud of.

Back to my friend. The whole point of this entry is to really say what became of that situation and what was going on in planet "Justin's Head."

Strawberry fields of blonde wheat, Not claiming to have Red feet

I miss you

I am sorry I did what I did

To her, but more so to you.

I know why you did what you did

I knew it when you did it, I just didn't want to admit you were right.

Admitting weakness isn't one of my strengths...

Sometimes we need to be left to the mercy of our consciousnesses

For them to interrogate us, strip us of all dignity, and see who we really are.

Who I am...

Is flawed.

Who I am

Is broken.

I am a wounded man; wounded since the day of my birth

Stumbling along, every day limping closer to death.

You may not have felt the same way as I but

I love you.

Not with the romantic love of this world, the love of the Eros

But the love four year-old best friends have.

I don't mind if it was our last goodbye as long as

You are happy.

You were a good friend to me...

Something that I abused.

For that

I truly, indefinitely, am sorry.

That point you talked about?

I, too, have found it.

The point where you're so broken

There's no where left to go.

We call it

Growing up.

I call it

Losing everything.

So, if you're out there,

And the fates decide to let your eyes meet these lines

Please know:

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I'm sorry for lying.

I'm sorry that who I was was so revolting,

So disgusting

That you had to leave to preserve your innocence.

i'M sORRy.

Truly Sorry.

"I said 'I'm sorry,' but no one heard.

Cause actions (actions, actions...)

Actions speak louder than words."

So... I guess this is it. "It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: so much of me Is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart... And now whatever way our stories end... I know you have re-written mine by being my friend..."

Goodbye... Ap mira yar tii... Meh tumheeh yad kroon ga...